Unnecessary Angst?
Yesterday was a public holiday due to the birthday of Sultan Selangor.
I woke up at 8:30am and again, started to write the articles about my China trip. I wish all writing can be finished by the end of this year, which means, there are about 3 more weeks for me.
At around 12pm, I prepared myself to go out, coz I've dated my ex-colleagues to have lunch together. After I left for new job, I have not met Soon Soon for more than 2 months. I still meet some others during the weekly badminton session. On Monday, I texted Soon Soon to date him, and as usual, he never replies my SMS but would call me directly to say OK.
Again, I drove on the never-jam highway (not sure if its name is Silk Highway) to the office. The distance is only 10km, taking around 10mins or less. Although it's a short moment, a lot of memories were suddenly recalled. They appeared in my mind when I was not prepared. Gosh, this is not good!
By the way, I was actually worried about something.
When I arrived, I parked my car just near the guard house. I didn't drive further to the old place which I used to park everyday. I don't know. I just didn't wish to repeat exactly everything that used to be a big part of my life.
Sometimes I do wish that things have TOTALLY changed.
However, I still walked up to the entrance near the office to meet with them. When I met with Soon Soon, he still started the conversation with teasing statements. And I still couldn't control my "bursting" smile and happiness while meeting with them. Then, we hopped onto the Latio and started our "journey".
Actually I could meet with them directly at the place where we had lunch. But by meeting them at the office, we had longer time to chat in the car.
Occasionally, I'm being contradictory. As mentioned, I wish that things have totally changed. But every time when I meet with them, I wish our relationship has never changed, although nowadays I'm no longer their colleague. I know "no change" is impossible but I still dream of that. I don't know. I can bluff myself quite well at times.
This afternoon, I wrote Mei Guat a mail (original version is quite long):
That's exactly how I felt yesterday.
After I came home, I texted my Kai Yeh, coz he had started to take leaves for his wife's delivery. He confirmed with me that his baby boy had been delivered on 10/12/2007 at 4pm. Later, I asked myself, should I be so busy body? Nobody actually needs or cares if I concern. But why I keep on doing those?
Also, when I was eager to have lunch with them, did they actually feel the same? Or they just couldn't find any reason to reject me? BTW, should I just forget my past and don't get myself attached to it, so much?
Honestly, sometimes I really wish I can have no feeling or just little response with everything in my life. People come and go, I join and leave - I can always see these as trivial matters.
But then I will ask, what's the meaning of living like this?
I never get an answer.
Most of the time, I just follow my heart, do whatever I want, even though I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, people will like it or not etc.
Then finally I tell myself, whatever la, just let it be, nothing is perfect in life.
(too tired to continue thinking)
I woke up at 8:30am and again, started to write the articles about my China trip. I wish all writing can be finished by the end of this year, which means, there are about 3 more weeks for me.
At around 12pm, I prepared myself to go out, coz I've dated my ex-colleagues to have lunch together. After I left for new job, I have not met Soon Soon for more than 2 months. I still meet some others during the weekly badminton session. On Monday, I texted Soon Soon to date him, and as usual, he never replies my SMS but would call me directly to say OK.
Again, I drove on the never-jam highway (not sure if its name is Silk Highway) to the office. The distance is only 10km, taking around 10mins or less. Although it's a short moment, a lot of memories were suddenly recalled. They appeared in my mind when I was not prepared. Gosh, this is not good!
By the way, I was actually worried about something.
When I arrived, I parked my car just near the guard house. I didn't drive further to the old place which I used to park everyday. I don't know. I just didn't wish to repeat exactly everything that used to be a big part of my life.
Sometimes I do wish that things have TOTALLY changed.
However, I still walked up to the entrance near the office to meet with them. When I met with Soon Soon, he still started the conversation with teasing statements. And I still couldn't control my "bursting" smile and happiness while meeting with them. Then, we hopped onto the Latio and started our "journey".
Actually I could meet with them directly at the place where we had lunch. But by meeting them at the office, we had longer time to chat in the car.
Occasionally, I'm being contradictory. As mentioned, I wish that things have totally changed. But every time when I meet with them, I wish our relationship has never changed, although nowadays I'm no longer their colleague. I know "no change" is impossible but I still dream of that. I don't know. I can bluff myself quite well at times.
This afternoon, I wrote Mei Guat a mail (original version is quite long):
"thanks for yesterday's lunch. pai seh. made u guys cannot go for better meals with seng seng them (and more people and fun, maybe). sometimes hope like things do not change even after we are not formal colleagues anymore. however, it's like having a bit of odd feeling. i also dunno how to say."
That's exactly how I felt yesterday.
After I came home, I texted my Kai Yeh, coz he had started to take leaves for his wife's delivery. He confirmed with me that his baby boy had been delivered on 10/12/2007 at 4pm. Later, I asked myself, should I be so busy body? Nobody actually needs or cares if I concern. But why I keep on doing those?
Also, when I was eager to have lunch with them, did they actually feel the same? Or they just couldn't find any reason to reject me? BTW, should I just forget my past and don't get myself attached to it, so much?
Honestly, sometimes I really wish I can have no feeling or just little response with everything in my life. People come and go, I join and leave - I can always see these as trivial matters.
But then I will ask, what's the meaning of living like this?
I never get an answer.
Most of the time, I just follow my heart, do whatever I want, even though I don't know if I'm doing the right thing, people will like it or not etc.
Then finally I tell myself, whatever la, just let it be, nothing is perfect in life.
(too tired to continue thinking)
Written on 12/12/2007 (Wed)
2 comments:
This post proves that you're again thinking too much. Don't think too much la... it could be just: you didn't see them for long time, they didn't see you for long time, and you guys no matter what still need to EAT, then a lunch date is perfectly fine! There're things in the past that you need to forget, but not good friends.
So, just stick to what you always do - as written in your last two para.
kun, today is my kai yeh's birthday. i can remember it and sent him sms early morning. he said it's his first birthday greeting this year.
haha i can always remember people's birthday well. but i wont wish everyone happy birthday :)
no regret to send the sms today without thinking too much which will stop me from doing a lot of things.. the conclusion is "hao po sau ng dou gua" (cantonese).. ^_^
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